The Captain Takes on Dear Abby!

Many times a reader will see a letter from "Dear Abby" and want to hear my take on the situation. Well I was emailed a link to this letter from one of our loyal female fans:


Dear Abby:
I’m 27 and in a three-year-long relationship that has been slowly falling apart. A year before it began, I ended a two-year union with another guy. While the two men are completely different, both relationships ended for similar reasons.I am a successful, independent woman. Apparently, this made each one feel like less of a man. While I’m told my qualities are part of the reason I’m attractive, men want to “prove themselves” before they commit to marriage. Things usually fall apart when their career plans shift and they feel like they’re starting over. I try to be supportive, but nothing works. They begin resenting me for everything I have accomplished.I am on a path to achieve everything I can before I scale back to have children and put my family first. I have two master’s degrees. I’m working on my license in a traditionally male profession. I’m on the board of directors of several nonprofits. I own my own home. But I’m beginning to be afraid I’ll never have the family life I have always wanted. Should I resign myself to the fact that I can’t have it all? — Successful ... On Paper, Charlotte, N.c.


I will post the link to Abby's answer but let the Captain speak the truth:

Dear Successful...On Paper, This is your Captain Speaking,
There are a few reasons that you are single.
With anything that is stated on this site I will generalize my answer. Typically very successful women are not your 8's, 9's, and 10's. What you see on TV shows displaying super hot successful women is not what you get in real life. Need proof. Look at your top ten most successful women in industry. There is barely an 8 on that list.

1. Indra Nooyi
2. Irene Rosenfeld
3. Pat Woertz
4. Angela Braly
5. Andrea Jung
6. Oprah Winfrey
7. Ellen Kullman
8. Carol Bartz
9. Ursula Burns
10. Brenda Barnes

"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think."

My point is, that when you are a 5, 6 or 7 you have to work harder to keep your man. Men typically don't care how smart a woman is, or how much a woman makes. The problem becomes the woman herself. The successful woman has typically become so, by being smarter, working harder and proving herself to be better then men. Day in and day out, this woman has to be earlier, be smarter, defend herself against sabotage and jealousy, all in efforts to get to the top of the corporate food chain.

Therein lies the problem. She doesn't know how to turn it off. There is no top of the food chain at home. There is no boardroom, so that behavior just turns a man off. A guy doesn't want to come home and compete! A successful woman, can not shut-up about how successful she is. I mean, look at the letter; instead of simply saying she's successful she goes into "chest beating" detail at nauseam about her successes. Big Whoop!

Another thing to keep in my, the last thing a man wants is your advice on his career. Trust me. So if you think you are being "supportive" by giving him suggestions, or bringing home brochures of classes or certifications he can get, your not helping, you are throwing your success and his inability to succeed in his face. Fall back and let the man be the man.

When you find the next guy that is willing to date you; accept him for what he makes at the time you meet him. Don't put any expectations on his career, and don't shove your success in his face. Be supportive, if he is trying something new, has a new job, or a new idea. Help out traditionally by making his favorite dinner when he comes home or packing a nice lunch. You make more money so how about surprising him with tickets to his favorite teams, or a certificate to Golfland. This will go a lot further then any advice or help you can provide. Nothing emasculates a man more then a woman trying to solve his problems.

"The male wants to be valued for what he pretends to be. The female wants to be overvalued for what she truly is" - ~Robert Brault,

This is your Captain Speaking
Men - Let's Take Our Balls Back (T.O.B.B.)
-Captain Jack


See Dear Abby's response here